


There in the Water

by seasofgreen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s07e01 Meet the New Boss, Episode: s07e17 Born Again Identity, Gen, Metaphors, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-10
Updated: 2013-03-10
Packaged: 2017-12-04 20:37:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/714834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seasofgreen/pseuds/seasofgreen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Castiel, the angel with free will. And this is the story of how you drowned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There in the Water

**Author's Note:**

> I rewatched Meet the New Boss recently, which despite being utterly heartbreaking and at times terrifying is actually a really amazing episode, so I wanted to write something.

_No no no no no no no no stop_ , you beg, feeling the inky blackness seep through a body that was never yours to begin with. You were awake and yourself and you would have fixed it and repaid the debt you owe and fixed the pain you caused and it would be okay. They would have been okay. But now, Death would have been perfect with them by your side- pretending everything was okay - and that you didn't betray and turn and dig the knife deeper every time you could have pulled it out. It would have been so nice to have died moments before, instead of alone in a body with grace still so ravaged by hungry souls that your human eyes bleed and you feel them in your veins. There are snippets of voices, the tones are harsh and are ones that are always burned into you whenever you close your eyes. 

_You need to run now!_

The world spins like an ocean and you're shoved under the waves, wondering if this is what it's like when humans can't breathe and drown. You wonder if this is what it was like to be James Novak and be taken under. 

_I-I can't hold them back!_

This wasn't supposed to happen. 

Your eyes open like a shot and you feel them rolling back into your skull as _they_ come to the surface, teeth in thousands and thousands of rows that glint like tiny knives that remind you of perfect silver blades of heaven, a stab in the back, charcoal wings burnt into street corners, broken down walls, and memories of hell. One of them caresses your face as it shoves you further down, it's face disfigured and twisted, and it's broken fingers wrap around your neck and squeeze in a mockery of a caress. 

_Dean, they're so strong!_

Your old body moves, but it's hard to feel and focus on anything - your perfect vision is blurry and flooded and you've never seen the world this foggy, not even when you've been powerless. You have drowned in this ocean. You don't exist. 

The face it's wearing splits into a grin that makes you squirm and the cold darkness surrounding you turns frigid. You can almost see the expression on their faces - what has become of our dear traitor? You hear a body hit the wall, things flying and shattering and you know its the body that belonged to you that did it and when another's head smacks off a table you feel yourself climbing the walls knowing the bodies stay on the ground where they fell. 

You reach out a hand, trying to curl it up and outward and stop this - but you feel teeth engulf you and scrape your skin before they bite down hard and you scream like you never have before. You are made of light now and you are coming undone. 

Time doesn't flow like you know does, and being the guardian of Thursdays you know how time is supposed to work. This is hell and purgatory. Eternal suffering without an external clock. Sometimes they leave you alone in your nothing. Other times they slink next to you and place their slimy hands, faces, bodies over you and through you and sometimes you even forget to scream. 

It's not worth it, anymore. There's no one left to hear you. 

One day the world goes black and it isn't a painful abyss but a beautiful dream and it just feels like nothing. They're gone, leaking from your pores like liquid, one by one, and you don't move for what feels like an eternity because you don't want them to come back. One day, your nose twitches. 

Your fingertips can move, you discover, and there's no water underneath your old body but solid ground and there's air on your bare skin and it's cold - so, so cold but you can properly feel it this time and it's so perfect and lovely and real. You can wiggle your toes, and feel them slip and slide against each other. There is blood and muck and a little bit of everything tangled in your hair, but you can feel stiff strands brushing against your forehead. 

Eventually your eyes can open, because this body is yours and yours alone, and you see nothing but the edge of a beautiful, beautiful pond and trees that are losing their leaves. Winter will be here soon, and you finally realize just how cold it is out here. 

Dirt grinds itself into your face, lying there, and it feels like a welcome, like pressing your face into the passenger seat of a well-worn leather interior, except…

You don't remember it. 

There was darkness, and now there is the shore. There was only sinking into the depth of the water, and now there is lying here. You sit up, not sure what to do with the knowledge that you have knowledge of nothing. And you sit there, dizzy and overcome. 

Her name is Daphne and she finds you there. 

She's unfamiliar but she offers you her jacket and a place to sleep and over the next few months you find yourself content with the unknown. She helps you, is patient and kind, and knows when to not push you. She tells her neighbors you're married, and you really can't bring yourself to disagree because it's the easiest way to explain everything. Maybe you did know her. Maybe you met her before you fell into the black, black water. 

Sometimes, you go to sleep and you wake up with phantom bites down your arms and legs. Once, you cry out for a brother - maybe more than one - that you didn't ever know you had. There was one night where you were unconsolable over someone else's brother, and you don't have a face or a name. You can do things, things that are impossible, and Daphne tells you it's because you have faith, that you're holy. She found you because God told her to. So you help people, and every time you do it feels a little bit better in that hole where some kind of life used to be. You wonder if you were like this before, with the ability to heal, and you wonder if you ever saved anyone. But for this moment, you are out of the water. 

You have surfaced above the waves and you can breathe again. 

Your name is Emmanuel.


End file.
